home/entries/2024-06-08 "Feeling-Dead"

2024-06-08 "Feeling Dead"

Well, hello. I suppose this'll be my blog from now on. I've looked into many different ways to implement a blog, but I should've known I would've had to start small while I build up the knowledge to do things like zonelets can. I know zonelets isn't even that complicated, but it's overwhelming looking at all this stuff you couldn't even start to really comprehend. That's one thing about coding I find really, really frustrating. Learning to code is much more of an excercise in trial and error, messing with things you just barely understand, rather than diving deep and digging into a complicated topic piecewise, and getting to really experiment and build up. Man, I might spend some time trying to really articulate what I mean, because it feels like maybe this goes unsaid. Maybe it bothers other people less, but it's the number one reason I've tried and failed to get into coding before. I hate not knowing what I'm doing wrong, and having to just fuck around and pray. I wish coding was less miserable discovery and more creativity. Sigh. I think that's why amateur web-design does so well with me. You can be so creative with so little coding knowledge, which really allowed me to dig my nails in and get invested and interested before I had to tackle any coding difficulties. Plus, there's so much information out there on HTML and CSS that I didn't struggle often enough to turn me off. And as compared to my last attempts at coding, I've more emotional maturity and know myself better, so I'm much better at settling for what I can do at my skill level, and not to bite too much off to chew. I think I'll still probably try my best to break zonelets down as I continue forward; It does some really interesting things with javascript that would just be really nice for quality of life and convenience going forward.

In other news, I've been waking up really late :/. I'm pretty damn unhappy about it. I havne't been feeling great these days. I wake up late, I rot, I freak out about feeling so incredibly unreal, and then I go to bed. It's been kind of awful, but at least I'm not in school. I'm not talking to my friends, I'm lethargic, I don't go anywhere. I think I really need a schedule, and I came to that conclusion yesterday and began planning things out, but I just went to bed and woke up today at 4. Feels like the whole day ruined. I know it's not, but I still feel so freaked out. I want to read more, I really miss reading. I want to talk to my favorite teachers and my friends, but I just feel so stuck. Writing this is giving me motivation to reach out, I hope I do that. I feel so ashamed. I feel disgusting. I'm doing a lot of dissociating. I'm going for a hike with a friend tomorrow. I'm really glad about that. I feel so useless. I know I need to have self-compassion, and I do, it just feels neverending. I feel very much like I'm in a dream, and it's frustrating to have to fight against that constantly. Why is that my natural state? I hate having to fight against it like a current just to feel. I'm doing pretty okay otherwise. I know this is kind of everywhere, it's just a bit of a vent I think.

I know there's nothing else to do but chase what makes me feel alive. I'm excited about life, I am—I just have to remember that. It feels like my natural state is lethargy. When nothing's happening—no stress—I retreat back into myself, my eyes go glassy, and I shut off. Everytime I write about it I come to the same conclusion: I need to chase what makes me feel alive. I need to try and find my way back into my body. Dancing (the thought of that brings me anxiety), rolling around on the floor, doing somersaults, going outside, climbing a tree. Engaging in my curiosity and my creativity finds its way back to me. I need to listen to music and feel the the wind on my face. Study some bugs! Write a story. People-watch, people-talk. Scrape my knee and cry. I have so many things I want to write. I have so many thoughts to share. Maybe I'll post all my little writing sessions here? I did write a while back about moral intuition I ought to share here. But I need to give myself space and time, the room to really breathe. I'll always be enough.

"I Love How You Love Me - Live" by Jeff Mangum on Spotify