micro-b(l)og

2026.02.09 Lu 22:59

Really want to write that whatever-thing about a philosophy of no-free-will. I should really go try and talk to someone about it here. Could be an indpt study or just indpt research. DK.

2026.01.30 V 23:06

I still haven't read Absolution. I have recently read a couple audiobooks, mostly Octavia E. Butler. Happy about some of my courses, especially Information and Coding theory, but my goal for this new semester, for this new year, a resolution one might say, was to do less school and be more human. Not let myself burn out like I always do and instead let my time be filled by passion and curiosity. i always say im going to do this. even my first entry in this micro-blog is about the same thing im writing about now. i should probably drop that course about critical thinking. i don't know. i go back and forth so much. i hate dropping courses, i hate the idea of taking more time. i both hate and love college. ive already forgotten what high school felt like. i remember being a kid and saying my worst fear was the passage of time. i was a weird kid. i want to spend more time reading, more time to actually make and keep friends, more time to lose myself in the everything of it all. it feels like for a long time i haven't been able to lose myself in anything. the closest i came was probably my application for the complexity science research program. i want to learn statistics and information theory and partial differential equations, and i even want to become better at python, but i don't want it to be this way, this tedium and this artificial structure. but when i go to try and learn something on my own, i can't really make myself unless its exactly the right way and ive got the exact right motivation. this works great when im obsessed with my website and can't think of anything else, but especially when its something like complexity science that requires so much background knowledge and work, i struggle to make any progress. i tried a lot with complexity science, tried often to teach myself more fundamental stuff like stats or diffy q (when i was in high school) but it was never direct enough. what i was trying to teach myself needed to have a direct link to my goal or i couldn't pay attention.

2025.11.15 Sa 23:28

I am still alive. Today I feel passionate. Deeply and unendingly passionate about the interconnectedness of everything. Passionate about complexity science. I have been thinking lately. I finally started reading that book from the library and i'm so over the moon about it. I think this could truly be my in to complexity science. I know I need to do more of the complexity explorer courses, but I almost feel that understanding the whole is more valuable to me right now than the traditional approach. I am going to make a page on my site about math. That's because I've always wanted to, but also because honestly I really want a place to serve as evidence and witness to my obsession and engagement with complexity science, in large part because I want to put it on my application to a research program.

2025.08.03 Lu 19:14

Oppressed by my own inability to assert myself, what's new? Oppressed by other people's inability to assert themselves, nothing new there.

2025.07.16 Mi 23:30

Lost that friend. Made a couple new ones. The plants have grown but have yet to bear fruit. I am re-reading Authority. I have been reading more than ever. And writing. These are some of the best indicators of my wellbeing. I have become more afraid of people, including my friends. Thankfully my friends are good enough to me to penetrate the darkness of my fear; There is love and light.

2025.06.18 Mi 23:58 UTC

I'm thinking about making a couple new microblogs to keep a log of a couple things like my progress in computer science or with writing and reading. I'm happy (?)

2025.05.29 Ma 04:33 UTC

plants plants plants plants. applications for jobs. I know where I am a little more than before. I've met a new friend. A little less lonely. reading a lot. the simple pleasures. my plants and my books and i feel alright. a good meal and my dog. black tea in bed. things feel as though they are looking up.

2025.05.16 V 22:31

Little manic. That's okay. I have hummus.

2025.05.04 Do 04:44 UTC

I have seen you across that veil. Wait for me.

2025.04.21 Lu 06:47 UTC

dear diary. i just deleted you on accident. im sorry. did that hurt? it hurt me. i had a lot written down. let me start from the beginning. quick summary: i began to think too hard about how i would like to talk to you, how i would like to talk to an inanimate object, nothingness. nothingness? the hard problem of consciousness, of course. and so i forgot to think about what i meant to think about. so i will talk to you like this. maybe this habit will crystalize into something concrete. something with rules. what do you think? i think i like it so far. i miss the lost verses. i am reading my favorite book again. there is a fourth, so i begin with the first once again. it gives me pause often. sparks a thought, an emotion, a curiosity, a passion. quotes and ideas leap out at me. they make me want to talk to you. it makes me interested again. interested. interest. passion. the present tense. i miss you, present tense. i need to pick up my prescription. im tapering. im getting off of it. maybe i will see you around sometime soon, present tense. do you miss me as much as i miss you? i want you back. the spring passes me by. the beauty passes me by like a whisper i thought i might have imagined. the days pass too fast. its almost summer. i remember the fall. i don't remember the fall. so im reading more. and im trying to talk to you. im trying to write. i miss those first few days of withdrawl. they were beautiful, i knew you again, present tense. things were full and exciting. i miss you, present tense. i miss you. do you miss me as much as i miss you?